Big Emotions in Little Bodies: Montessori Tools for Caregivers

Have you ever watched your child dissolve into tears over the “wrong” color cup and wondered, “What just happened?” In the early years, emotions don’t trickle out; they flood. This isn’t misbehavior; it’s biology. Before the prefrontal cortex matures, emotions are processed through the limbic system where feelings and actions happen almost simultaneously. That is why a young child needs a calm, trusted adult to help translate the chaos of the moment into understanding and safety.

In the first plane of development (birth through age six), emotions and actions are one and the same. There is no pause between feeling and doing. This is why we see so much impulsivity at this age. When a young child feels something, the feeling moves straight into action.

When a young child feels deeply, their entire body joins in, and it often becomes a full-body experience. Whether happy, angry, or fearful, the child may experience any combination of the following: tears, changes in breathing, a faster heart rate, tightening muscles, changes in vocal pitch, trembling or shaking, changes in body temperature, tunnel vision, auditory filtration challenges (when noises become overwhelming), digestive disturbances, or even yawning.

Because the part of the brain that helps us reflect and reason is still developing, young children rely on a trusted adult to help them make sense of their feelings. We can support the child’s return to calm through co-regulation. The goal is not to dismiss or redirect the child away from big emotions, but to help the child identify, acknowledge, and understand them. To do this successfully, it’s important for the adult to stay grounded and centered; your steady presence helps the child borrow your calm. Identify the emotion, restate the trigger, and offer solutions. This might sound like:

“You became frustrated when she knocked over your blocks. You were working really hard on that. Would you like to ask her to help you fix it, or would you like to ask her for some space and to be more careful next time?”

Over time, and with a lot of repetition, co-regulation becomes self-regulation.

Understanding Fight or Flight

But what about those really big emotions born from overstimulation, overwhelm, or unpredictability; the ones that lead to fight or flight (and sometimes freeze)?

When a child experiences an event that causes a sense of danger, it triggers a fight or flight response. Are we talking about real danger? Not always. Sometimes a sense of danger can be triggered by separation or unfamiliarity, such as entering a new classroom or meeting a new caregiver. Fight might look like clinging, tantrums, or protest. Flight might look like hiding, shutting down, or going limp.

Examples of Common Triggers:

Loss of Control or Autonomy

Fight: yelling, grabbing, defianceFlight: hiding, refusing, shutting down

Social Threats (Embarrassment, Rejection, Comparison)

Fight: lashing out, arguing, blamingFlight: withdrawing, pretending not to care, going silent

Sensory Overwhelm

Fight: covering ears, pushing away, cryingFlight: running off, zoning out, appearing “spaced”

Perceived Injustice or Unfairness

Fight: arguing, tattling, hittingFlight: retreating, refusing work, crying alone

Cognitive or Emotional Overload

Fight: refusal, “I don’t want to,” throwing a pencilFlight: staring blankly, quiet “I can’t,” tears

How do we work through fight or flight? The same way we respond to all big feelings: through connection, not correction.

The Caregiver’s Role

It is important to remember that while fight or flight responses can sometimes look like big behaviors, they are not intentional acts of defiance. They are signs of a nervous system asking for safety.

As caregivers, it can feel overwhelming and even exhausting to support a child through intense emotions, especially when those moments happen often. But when we ignore, dismiss, or try to quickly pacify these big feelings, the child loses the chance to learn how to navigate them safely. Over time, this can make emotional regulation even harder.

Our role is not to stop the behavior; it’s to model calm, compassion, and confidence in the face of emotion. Before we guide the child back to grace and courtesy, we must first help the body feel calm again. Begin with co-regulation. Soften your voice, lower yourself to the child’s level, and breathe together. Offer safety first, then language.

“Your body looks tense. Something felt unfair. I’m here. Let’s breathe together.”

Once the body is calm, the mind can return. Over time, this consistent pattern (feel, connect, reflect, repair) teaches the child how to find their own calm. What begins as borrowed regulation eventually grows into self-regulation. This is our great work: to lend the child our calm until they have built their own.

Preventing Impulsive Behaviors

Is there a way to prevent those impulsive behaviors before they begin? Yes, there are things we can do as caregivers.

1. Identify triggers.If your child has frequent emotional moments, you may be able to identify patterns or triggers such as fatigue, hunger, overstimulation, or social frustration.

2. Offer choices.Offer choices, when possible, to maintain the child’s sense of autonomy and prevent power struggles before they begin.

“It’s time to leave the park now. Would you like to waddle like a penguin to the car, or stomp like a dinosaur?”

“It’s important to eat your dinner. Would you like to take four more bites, or three?”

When using this technique, avoid offering more than two choices or the child may continue searching for an unseen option. If the child refuses to choose, you can follow up with a logical or natural consequence:

“Uh-oh, I see that you weren’t able to make a choice, so I’ll choose this time. You can try again next time.”

“Dinner is the last meal before bedtime. Your tummy was really hungry last night because you didn’t eat enough. Next time, you can listen to your body and try a few more bites.”

3. Maintain a calm environment.Young children absorb the energy around them. A peaceful tone of voice, slower pace, and uncluttered surroundings communicate safety. When we stay steady, we lend our calm for the child to borrow.

4. Validate small emotions before they grow big.When a child feels seen early (“It looks like you feel frustrated that your tower fell”) it prevents escalation. Labeling emotions gives the child language for their inner world, which decreases the need to express through physical behavior.

5. Build a rhythm of connection.Regular moments of closeness (reading together, sharing a snack, or a morning hug) fill the child’s emotional cup. When that need for connection is met proactively, behaviors that seek attention or control often decrease.

6. Model emotional regulation.Children learn far more from what we do than what we say. When we take a deep breath, use gentle words, and repair after a hard moment (“I was frustrated too, and I took a breath to calm my body”) we are showing them what emotional maturity looks like.

There will always be big feelings; that’s part of growing up. But when we meet those moments with patience, structure, and empathy, children begin to build the skills they’ll carry for life: to pause, breathe, and choose peace. Every time you lend your calm, you are shaping the nervous system of a future adult who knows how to stay kind and grounded in a big, emotional world.

Written by Brandi Austin

Children’s Garden Montessori School